hindsight into 2020

Christmas got cancelled this year. Fitting.

This year struck me hard. And I know that I’m one of the lucky ones. We were all blindsided by having the ultimatum between avoiding contact with people, or facing the possibility of death. Maybe not to ourselves if you are lucky enough to not be at risk. But visiting grandma was all of a sudden a death sentence.

It’s been the loneliest year of my life. Something about zoom calls, just doesn’t hit the spot like grabbing a beer in person. And the anxiety of being around people made gatherings when numbers were low stressful. If I drank from the same glass as someone else, it meant my life was now in that persons hands, and I had better hope that they had not been exposed.

Watching shows, or looking at photos of people all hanging out having fun from before this year, caused me anxiety.

Watching protests and political unrest caused me anxiety.

Going to the grocery store -> anxiety.

The grocery store not having toilet paper -> anxiety.

Walking outside -> anxiety. (Does anyone remember that article about how you could catch covid just from walking behind someone?)

Ordering in food -> anxiety.

Saying hi to someone -> anxiety.

Hugging my mom -> anxiety.

This was a very bad year for my mental health, and I’ll reiterate again “I’m one of the lucky ones”.

I didn’t have to line up at a loan shark company 2 weeks into the pandemic because I was working pay check to pay check. Putting my life at risk, to buy groceries for a couple weeks, before having to figure out what I was going to do 2 weeks from then. I saw thousands of people doing this.

I didn’t have to worry about going to work every day and interacting with hundreds of people because the company I work for was considered essential and had to stay open. Millions of Canadians went through this one.

I had pains in my chest for weeks at a time from the anxiety & stress I was going through. Or maybe it was indigestion from my dramatic increase in alcohol consumption. I didn’t have time to stop and think about why my chest hurt, because I was too worried about touching the wrong door handle or forgetting not to touch my face until I’ve washed my hands after coming home.

We all got dragged through the mud this year. My goal here isn’t to relive these past 12 months. As I’m writing this, it’s causing me anxiety. (Writing about 2020 -> anxiety)

We are all going through something right now. Some much worse than others. Among the 10 million things I’ve learned this year, I think the biggest take away is the importance of acknowledging that people are going through stuff, and it’s taking a toll on everyones mental health.

The guy who yelled “2 metres!” at me in the grocery store as I grabbed something near him is an asshole, but he’s going through something, and I’ve decided it’s best to acknowledge that and act on it. Just walk away, or say I’m sorry. No pride, no anger. Just keep moving forward. It helps to remember “I’m one of the lucky ones” and you are too.

This pandemic has been a trade off of our mental health for our physical health. Some people are having to give up more of their mental health than others, and sometimes people crack. It happens. Best I can do is not make it worse for them.

So much of getting through a crisis is thinking you will get through a crisis.

We’re there, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Just celebrate the holidays alone this year. There’s hope for better days. Soon we will be able to carelessly grab a beer with friends and visit our grandparents. Say it with me this time — “I’m one of the lucky ones”.

Here’s to hoping 2021 will be boring & uneventful.